Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I wrote this a couple days ago

I post this on tumblr a couple days ago and I thought I'd post it here so here you go:

The fact that I’m so insecure about everything is crazy. Especially about my weight. I just keep obsessing over it, since that one day in elementary school, some girl said I was skinny.

Back then, I didn’t even think about my weight; I gave no fucks. I didn’t think I was fat or skinny or normal. I just didn’t think about. But the fact that she pointed it out just changed everything because suddenly, there was a label put upon me. And ever since then, I felt like if I ever became fat, I would be a huge disappointment to everyone and myself included.

I’m not saying I’m anorexic; it’s just that sometimes I obsess too much over my weight and it’s kind of scary. In 8th grade, I was 5’3” and 99 lbs and I felt damn good about myself. So for 9th grade, I really didn’t care too much and it was great. I wish I could go back to that.

But by the start of 10th grade, some sad shit happened blah blah and I gained some weight and I noticed. I went up to 120 lbs, 122 max (I also grew an inch). The fact that I gained 20 pounds in 2 years really scared me and it just made me sadder. I’m not going to say I was depressed because honestly, I don’t really think I was. I was just sad and lonely.

By the end of 10th grade, I was fed up with feeling like a fatass, sad freak. And then I met someone, someone who has made me happier than I thought I could be. And I thank him so much for that and I wish he could understand that but I don’t think he does. During 11th grade, I managed to go back down to 116 lbs. My grades also improved from the lovely ABCs of 10th grade. It was just a good year for me. I was happier and I didn't feel as lonely. 

The summer after 11th grade, this summer, this current one, I went to governor’s school. That was probably the best experience of my life and every day I wish I could go back to that utopia. I was happy and everything was great and I didn’t have to worry about anything. 

It’s been a month since I came home from governor’s school. Before I left governor’s school, I was 114 lbs. But the American food I ate there cause some weight gain and I was back to 116 lb and the fact that I gained weight really got to me. I was so determined lose that weight. So during the month of July, I ate less and I actually exercised. And I never exercise, oh god no. I actually got all the way down to 106 lbs and my BMI was 18.1, which is classified as underweight. That scared me a lot. I didn’t want to go down that road. 

I’m now 110-112 lbs now, which is healthy. And I feel good. I feel happy. There are times when I still feel fat and that sucks. But whatever. I have other, more important things to worry about.

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