8.14.12

I took these pictures yesterday. I originally had a different outfit on that I meant to post but then I put this on and I liked it better so voila! The blouse on the inside is from Forever 21 and the sweater is from Savers. It's actually really lumpy but it looks pretty good in these pictures. I need to go back to Savers soon to stock up on more sweaters but I go back to school in like 5 days ahhhhhhhhh. I had a skirt on underneath but you can barely even see it lol.

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I wrote this a couple days ago

I post this on tumblr a couple days ago and I thought I'd post it here so here you go:

The fact that I’m so insecure about everything is crazy. Especially about my weight. I just keep obsessing over it, since that one day in elementary school, some girl said I was skinny.

Back then, I didn’t even think about my weight; I gave no fucks. I didn’t think I was fat or skinny or normal. I just didn’t think about. But the fact that she pointed it out just changed everything because suddenly, there was a label put upon me. And ever since then, I felt like if I ever became fat, I would be a huge disappointment to everyone and myself included.

I’m not saying I’m anorexic; it’s just that sometimes I obsess too much over my weight and it’s kind of scary. In 8th grade, I was 5’3” and 99 lbs and I felt damn good about myself. So for 9th grade, I really didn’t care too much and it was great. I wish I could go back to that.

But by the start of 10th grade, some sad shit happened blah blah and I gained some weight and I noticed. I went up to 120 lbs, 122 max (I also grew an inch). The fact that I gained 20 pounds in 2 years really scared me and it just made me sadder. I’m not going to say I was depressed because honestly, I don’t really think I was. I was just sad and lonely.

By the end of 10th grade, I was fed up with feeling like a fatass, sad freak. And then I met someone, someone who has made me happier than I thought I could be. And I thank him so much for that and I wish he could understand that but I don’t think he does. During 11th grade, I managed to go back down to 116 lbs. My grades also improved from the lovely ABCs of 10th grade. It was just a good year for me. I was happier and I didn't feel as lonely. 

The summer after 11th grade, this summer, this current one, I went to governor’s school. That was probably the best experience of my life and every day I wish I could go back to that utopia. I was happy and everything was great and I didn’t have to worry about anything. 

It’s been a month since I came home from governor’s school. Before I left governor’s school, I was 114 lbs. But the American food I ate there cause some weight gain and I was back to 116 lb and the fact that I gained weight really got to me. I was so determined lose that weight. So during the month of July, I ate less and I actually exercised. And I never exercise, oh god no. I actually got all the way down to 106 lbs and my BMI was 18.1, which is classified as underweight. That scared me a lot. I didn’t want to go down that road. 

I’m now 110-112 lbs now, which is healthy. And I feel good. I feel happy. There are times when I still feel fat and that sucks. But whatever. I have other, more important things to worry about.